Every wonder what’s going on inside of your own head? Wonder why some things make you furious while others leave you without a care at all? Or why some seemingly sad situations leave you feeling just fine, without that emptiness or hurt or emotion you think should be there? I wonder about myself sometimes.
Kind of like now. My last grandparent passed away this weekend, and I don’t even know how to describe what I feel. I know how to describe what I don’t feel quite well… sadness, grief, anger, upset-edness, joy, loneliness… all of those “typical” things that it seems like you’re supposed to feel when someone dies, they aren’t there… and I don’t know why. They haven’t been there for other occasions such as this, either, and it makes me a bit curious. I don’t think I’m so even-keeled that nothing bothers me. Just ask my wife – she knows I can go off the deep end when it comes to feeling sorry for myself or anger at something I can’t control or frustration that I won’t put into words… but here, I’m just “fine.”
It’s not that it’s a grandparent I’ve fallen out of touch with… I’ve been to quite a few funerals lately and they all feel about the same. It’s not that I’m concerned about where she’s headed – I’ve been blessed to have grown up with Christians all around me.
So what is it? Am I burnt out on something? Afraid to let something go? Too busy? Or am I just OK with the season of death to the point that it really doesn’t affect me that much? Jesus knew how to weep for a friend, but sometimes it feels all I can do is just be steady, and that doesn’t feel right. I WANT to FEEL… don’t I?
Perhaps I just need to accept the fact that that I am blessed to have never lost a very close friend. Perhaps that hurt and feeling of loss is not something I should be longing for, but something I should be glad that I haven’t had to face yet. I don’t know.
I remember the last time I felt loss at a funeral. It was at my grandpa’s, the one I honestly think I helped escort into Heaven, and the one for whom I was able to share some personal memories about at his funeral. I still don’t think I got extremely emotional about the whole thing, but the memories were there.
So maybe I’m normal. I thank God for my family, good friends that ARE family, and some semblance of boundaries that keeps me from getting so intertwined with lives outside of my sphere that I’m thrown off center by things such as this.
Well, that’s enough rambling… This probably makes little to no sense, but it’s helped me take a few deep breaths, let out the fact that I really don’t know what I need to let out, and simply say, “Thank you, God, for what I DO have. Thank you OH SO MUCH. May I never take it for granted.”
A couple related posts I found… I’m so glad I have this pile of rocks to come back to:
One of those former posts mentions the idea of “doubting my trust.” I come back to this, and relish it for a moment. My faith, no matter how weak or strong it may be, is FOUNDED on something… someone… strong, faithful, and true. Regardless of the strength of my faith, the steadiness of my life, or the balance of my priorities, my Redeemer IS, WAS, and WILL BE.